Doug and the Case of the Mystery Cyber Guy
by trickzyhobbit
Summary: What happens when Doug trades in his trusty journal for an online blog!


**Title:** Doug and the Case of the Mystery Cyber Guy

**Author:** gollumzgurl

**Rating:** R

**Pairing:** Doug/?… it's a secret! LOL

**Summary:** What happens when Doug trades in his trusty journal for an online blog?!

**A/N:** This is dedicated to my dog, without whom I could never have had the drive to write such a piece. :)

_Dear journal,_

_Hi, it's me, Doug. Actually, I should formally introduce myself because… you really don't know me at all. You see, I just got out of a long term relationship with my journal. I traded the trusty red Trapper Keeper in for this shiny new Toshiba laptop. I hope you understand if I don't tell you all my secrets right away, because… I'm a little wary of the Internet. But Skeeter and Patty have it, so it can't be all that bad. I guess Roger has it too, but he's such a jerkwad. Even Mrs. Wingo has it, and she's like a fossil. But oops. You didn't hear it from me…_

Doug stared at the blazing screen of his new journal intently. How it buzzed! How it whirred beneath his fingertips… this is something that his old red Trapper Keeper never did. Doug had loved it, but the time had come to grow up, move on, and get with the program. Besides, his Nana Funnie had bestowed the laptop to him for his birthday, and he felt guilty just letting it collect dust with his banjo.

Suddenly, a box popped up before him on the screen!

"Oh wow, what's this!" Doug marveled, letting his jaw go slack and drooling on his pants. "Man, a guy could really get addicted to this."

It was an IM from Skeeter Valentine.

**SilvaSkeeta: Hey man! Honk honk!**

Doug blinked his eyes a few times. "What…"

**SilvaSkeeta: Yo dude, u there??**

Doug put his index finger on the mouse touchpad and glided the cursor over to the send box.

It was the most erotic thing he'd ever felt.

"Ohhh…" he breathed, creating a handle for himself. His handle had to be sturdy and good; it had to be strapping, yet sensitive. Sexy. The perfect handle.

**SenorDouglos: Yeah man, I'm here.**

Doug grinned. He was pleased.

**Silva Skeeta: COOOOOL MAN! Listen, do u have Bebe's screen name? I really want to try to have cyber sex with her.**

**SenorDouglos: Cyber sex?**

**SilvaSkeeta: Yeah, u know!**

**SenorDouglos: I do?**

**SilvaSkeeta: Do you?**

**SenorDouglos: I don't.**

**SilvaSkeeta: Man, u need 2 get with the program! And then u need 2 get Patty's screen name so u can cyber sex her up!**

Doug leaned back in his chair. It sounded amusing, but did he really want Patty that way? His love for her went about as far as Beetball. Sure, they were friends. Doug thought Patty was kind of a dyke, though.

**SilvaSkeeta: Man? U there?**

**SenorDouglos: Sure. Yeah. Can you give me a minute? I need to go take a whiz.**

**SilvaSkeeta: All the time u need, man.**

But Doug did not have to take a whiz. He was so overwhelmed with technological splendor before him that he had to take a break. Maybe he had been too quick to trade in his Trapper Keeper…

He was just about to go downstairs for a glass of milk and a plate of beets when he heard another ding.

"God, Skeet, I'll be right back, Jesus," Doug muttered. But when he looked at the screen… it wasn't his blue friend.

**usemyDink: A/S/L?**

Doug froze. He wasn't up with all the computer jargon… what did it all mean?

He ran down the hall to his sister's room.

"Judy," he called from the door. "Judy?"

He peered in and there, sitting at a desk with her own laptop, was his sister Judy.

"What is it, Dougie?" she asked petulantly, adjusting her sunglasses.

Doug froze. "Uh… do you know what assel is?"

Judy frowned. "What?"

"You know, assel," Doug repeated, blushing and gesturing to her computer. He picked at his sweater vest nervously, sweat pooling around the base of his neck.

Judy quirked an eyebrow as her theme song began playing in the background. "Little brother, you grow stranger by the day."

Doug sighed. "Assel. You know, if someone says it to you inline."

"Online?"

"Whatever!"

Judy smirked.

Doug began to see red. "Assel! Assel! A! S! L!"

Recognition swept over Judy's face. "Oh! You mean, age, sex, location."

Doug stared blankly at her. "Yes. Thank you."

He ran back to his room and looked at the screen of his laptop.

**usemyDink: hello?**

**usemyDink: you there??**

"Shit," Doug swore. Porkchop scowled at him from his bed. "Oh shut up, Porkchop."

He posed his fingers atop the keyboard.

**SenorDouglos: Hello.**

**usemyDink: oh whew I thought you weren't there lol**

**SenorDouglos: I am sorry, I had to excuse myself for a moment.**

**usemyDink: o well. A/S/L?**

Doug grinned, a knowing smile spreading across his face.

**SenorDouglos: 13/m/Bluffington… you?**

**usemyDink: 52/m/Bluffington**

**SenorDouglos: Cool. We're both from Bluffington. Do you know the Honker Burger?**

**usemyDink: wanna cyber?**

Doug froze.

TBC…


End file.
